There is often a strong chorus of voices in my head attempting to lead me off the necessary path to fulfillment. I believe most of us are aware enough to know how and when that happens. The real struggle is finding our way back once we have succumbed to the action that lead us astray. For example, If you get lost in the woods we are told to retrace our steps as best we can to get back on the trail. I believe in all aspects of life we sometimes need to retrace our steps to move forward to our desired destination. We can't linger but we must identify how and why we lost our way.

I remember an incident as a child  where I wanted to know what a type of bread was at the supermarket, so I pointed near someone. My father clammed up and looked at me in horror for pointing. He quickly and sternly corrected me. He often made sure I respected everyone else's feelings over my own. As for my personal hopes and dreams, my parents would call me a ham every time I tried to perform a show for them. This ultimately resulted in talking myself down to others over the years instead of building myself up, so as to appear "humble." I am realizing now that if you do that enough, people begin to believe you no matter how good you are at something. It is especially tough if you don't have a good support system to do the talking for you. You really do need to "pat yourself on the back." For someone like me that is truly scary. 

I decided to stop apologizing. I also decided to let go and stop trying to be so perfect and to just let the creativity flow. One particular night, I created the piece " Golden Hour." The title was more than fitting, because it personally was my golden hour. I felt so connected with my inner guide and all "voices " and distractions were mute. I stopped criticizing myself, let go and didn't worry about what others may think.

I felt proud of it. In the end I saw a piece that reflected a positive turn in my journey. I truly saw raw and unfiltered impressionism. 

As a member of Fine Art America and inspired by my growth, I decided to start a contest titled "Your Best Impressionism Painting." It was my first contest and I was nervous because it took awhile before there were any entries, so I figured adding mine would get others interested. I had debated long and hard as to whether I should enter my art worrying what others may think. I could hear my father's voice telling me it was shameful and could see my mother rolling her eyes. I knew it would be fair and I couldn't fix the results, so I went ahead and entered it. To my surprise I won first place out of 197 entries.

I definitely did not anticipate this happening. I felt so uncomfortable yet proud at the same time. I had won my first online contest and wanted to celebrate so I decided I would. 

All was great! until a gentleman who received fewer votes in the same contest posted in the discussion section that It was "queer that the person running the contest won" and that the results should be questioned.

And just like that, he deflated my balloon and I heard my father loud and clear. 

I ran a few more contests and stopped entering my own entries until I had an epiphany-- If I hadn't ignored the voices in my head I wouldn't have won my first online contest. How many other times have I gotten in the way of my own success because I felt ashamed for believing in myself or afraid of my own greatness and allowing my light to shine? 

I know my father and mother meant well, but perhaps while they were attempting to protect me from rejection, they taught me to reject myself.

So here, I unapologetically share my "Golden Hour."